Along the Inca Trail

May 30, 2006

So, I just got back from a 4 day hike along the Inca Trail, and I´ll tell you, nothing makes you feel like more of a real pioneer than having 11 porters carry gear for your group of 4 over the course of 28 miles. Actually, having 11 men carry your stuff, set up your tent, prepare your dinner, and wait on you hand and foot actually makes you feel like kind of a schmuck, but what can you do?

Before our trip really got underway I was pretty sure I was going to kill our guide, Juan - who, by the way, this guy in my group called 'Kwan' the entire trip, with this really thick guttural accent, God knows why. Anyway, it was 6:30 in the morning, and Juan was blasting this horrible radio station which had the special feature of announcing the time EVERY MINUTE ON THE MINUTE over whatever God awful song they were playing. It went something like this: "Bailamos! Let the rhythm...Six Thirty....take you over, Bailamos!...Six Thirty One.....Te quiero, amor mio....Six Thirty Two.....Bailamos!!!!¨ and so on. I can't imagine why keeping us informed of the time say, every five minutes, would not have sufficed. Anyway. I trekked alongside 3 of my group members, none of them elderly. One of the guys, John, is really so random I don't know what to make of him. He told me he was 33 but is apparently 26. He works at a chocolate factory. He has been coating his lips in a VERY large amount of sunscreen that he never rubs in, so it just remains on him in a thick white paste all day. Oh, and I think he may have threatened to kill me when we were stuck in the Peruvian Free Trade protests, but I can't be sure. He was definitely talking about killing someone, and as I was sitting in front of him I was less than comfortable. Oh, and every time he sees a girl dancing, or in any way displaying femininity, he covers his eyes with his hands and puts his hat over his face. So, when I was told that I was to be sharing a tiny tent with him for three nights I had to put my foot down. John turned out to be the worst hiker I have ever seen. Our guide actually said he had never seen anything like it. I would arrive at each camp at least 2 hours before John, and I am no speed demon. Still, the trek was amazing, one of the best things I have done.

What else...oh, Juan 'Kwan' was telling us about this couple on his trek last year in their twenties who got into a fight right at the end of the trail. Apparently they had been normal the whole trek, but got into a fight in the last few hours because the girl was chatting with some other guy and her boyfriend got jealous. Anyway, the boyfriend went nuts and started banging his head on the stones of the Inca trail, yelling "Nothing is right at Machu Picchu!" over and over again. Ha! I guess his mom was holding him and trying to stop him, and then he hurled his bag, carrying his camera and passport, over the side of the mountain! What a jack%ss! It took a whole team of people to get his bag back. I would have left it there. Thank God he wasn't American, there are already enough Americans roaming around out there giving our country a bad rep. For example: Our main guide, Gustavo, has been hooking up with this girl from Long Island who goes by the name Develyn, but her name is really Deborah Evelyn. Please! I'm going to start going by Elizose for Elizabeth Rose. Also, 'Develyn' keeps kissing all of us on both cheeks when we meet, and I want to say, "Develyn, you are from Long Island! Our people don't do that!!"

Ok, that is about it. My rabies shots are done, and I have yet to find myself with excessive saliva, so I think I am in the clear. One last thing that amuses me: the oldest lady in our group, Elaine, who is in her mid- 70s, has been collecting autographs of totally random people we meet. Like, hotel workers and drivers and things. Funny! Oh, and Lyle, the deaf cotton-eared grandfather, has been taking photos, but only of the transportation that we are using. He did not take any pictures at Machu Picchu, but he has thankfully captured for posterity shots of every tourist bus we have taken - and they all look exactly the same.